Quote:
Summer
I have always perhaps I'd get rid of perhaps. It doesn't add anything, and makes the sentence a bit clunky. had a fascination with summer. Something about its atmosphere draws my memories into it, lodges them there like no other season can. True, I have memories of fall and winter and spring. These other three seasons are just that, though – the other seasons. They are somewhat important to me; fall’s fading warmth and winter’s cold chill and spring’s soft new green. They do not always hold good memories, though, and winter especially comes with cold, so they are not my friends The last clause of this sentence seems a little out of place. I'd perhaps detach it from this sentence and merge it with the next. "They are not my friends like Summer is.. Summer, on the other hand, has always been my ally.
My summer memories are not distinct or separate. I remember the taste of apple juice – not just any apple juice, mind, but the apple juice that I drank the day I finally climbed one very hard path at the rock gym. In the same thought I also remember when I was on the phone with Kari (who was in Hawaii) You might want to explain who Kari is. "Kari, a friend who was on holiday in Hawaii." and she screamed because a bird flew into her face – and I remember them both, even though those two events were two or three summers apart.
Summer is also my solace when it gets cold. Come winter’s bitter winds or fall’s bleak grey clouds, I can turn my mind to my summer, and its warm glow can help me get through the cold I'd change the world cold, you've used it already and seems a bit repetitive. "the dark". Also conflicts with the choice of "warm glow". months. Yes, I enjoy snow and I will go out and play in it and have giant snowballs dumped in my face by my uncle, but I could not live in this – cold is not something I have ever enjoyed. You have too many of these sentences that begin "I do ... this in Winter, but ... . Vary sentence structure.
This summer is not just summer; Add "to me" to show the fact that it is like that for you, and to distinguish that to you it is more. it is not only three months of sun and Include word "the" lack of school which makes it good enough for most. It is my Summer; it is my childhood memories all softened into one whirlwind of laughter and late nights. It is my Summer of intangibles, and dreams – it is my Summer. I like the repititions of "it is my Summer", but I feel you have done it too many times. I'd remove one.
I like it, but I feel that at times your writing style has become a little casual, as though a friend is talking to another one talking about this. You are you using a lot of speaking tecniques, using more casual language
True, I have memories of fall and winter and spring. and repeating things in threes to emphasise them. Sure, you can use it in prose, but it's a tecnique used a little more in poetry and speeches, it often appears a little out of place in stories.
Other than that, I'd give it another look over for minor errors, e.g. apostrophes in the right place, but I really like it. If you're going to expand it into a whole story, I'd love to read it!
Login
Register
FAQ
Search
.
I understand editing, I usually have my father proofread my papers so I'm quite used to it. I've already turned it in, but it's our first essay of the year, so it's been awhile since I've sat down and really tried to write.
