A troublesome poem...

[Twitchy]

well, for the past week I have been trying to perfect a poem I deceded to write, but am getting no-where. So here is the poem and please give me all the tips and sugestions yu can!

the one

I looked in your eyes
and saw straight away
your the one
my only one

Your cool
Your funny
Your smart
Your the one
My only one

I long for your touch
Your smile
I long for you
Your the one
My only one

I lay awake at night
Thinking about
How everything with you seems right
Your the one
My only one

But do you feel the same
Do you wish we were together
Because your the one
My only one

I promise to stay faithful
I promise to be your friend
And stay with you forever
Till the very end
Your the one
My only one

And how I need you
My pain only you can stop
You only need to look at me
Because your the one
My only one

And as I end this now
With a goodbye and a kiss
You'll stay in my heart forever
No matter how I wish
Because your the one
My only one

My only one
Because your my only one

EDIT: I guess this is more of a song than a poem. So yeah, and help will be greatly appreciated!

[mazil]

I haven't written very many poems or songs... but something I like to keep in mind (or kind of refer to?) is the rhythm of the words (the Meter, I think it's officially called? Like the "iambic pentameter" that Shakespeare uses).

For instance, your first line reads something like:

"I looked into your eyes"
(de dum de dum de dum) (if "de" is weak" and "dum" is a strong syllable - if that makes any sense?!)

and your second line is:

"and saw straight away"
(de dum dum de dum)

So I noticed that straight away your second line almost matches your first line, in stresses... so I might be tempted to add another syllable in there, maybe along the lines of: "and saw (that?) straight away", which would give you another "de dum de dum de dum" pattern. You can then re-use this pattern for other verses, occasionally varying it for dramatic effect.

I dunno if it all seems a bit weird, but it effects how the poem/song sounds when read out, I think

Also ... to be picky about grammar... some of your "your"s should probably be "you're"s - since they are contractions of "you are" (eg. "You're the only one" and "You're cool, funny, smart").

Very nice though, I especially like the second last verse Good luck with it!

[Twitchy]

I haven't written very many poems or songs... but something I like to keep in mind (or kind of refer to?) is the rhythm of the words (the Meter, I think it's officially called? Like the "iambic pentameter" that Shakespeare uses).

For instance, your first line reads something like:

"I looked into your eyes"
(de dum de dum de dum) (if "de" is weak" and "dum" is a strong syllable - if that makes any sense?!)

and your second line is:

"and saw straight away"
(de dum dum de dum)

So I noticed that straight away your second line almost matches your first line, in stresses... so I might be tempted to add another syllable in there, maybe along the lines of: "and saw (that?) straight away", which would give you another "de dum de dum de dum" pattern. You can then re-use this pattern for other verses, occasionally varying it for dramatic effect.

I dunno if it all seems a bit weird, but it effects how the poem/song sounds when read out, I think

Also ... to be picky about grammar... some of your "your"s should probably be "you're"s - since they are contractions of "you are" (eg. "You're the only one" and "You're cool, funny, smart").

Very nice though, I especially like the second last verse Good luck with it!

Thank-you! I will have a look and try that!