Proofread, please?

[Eidolon]

Okay. We have to write a personal narrative for English, and we have little writing groups where we're supposed to proofread each others' work, but nobody changed anything on mine. -_- So...Proofread anyone? Constructive criticism?

Summer
I have always, perhaps, had a fascination with summer. Something about its atmosphere draws my memories into it, lodges them there like no other season can. True, I have memories of fall and winter and spring. These other three seasons are just that, though – the other seasons. They are somewhat important to me; fall’s fading warmth and winter’s cold chill and spring’s soft new green. They do not always hold good memories, though, and winter especially comes with cold, so they are not my friends. Summer, on the other hand, has always been my ally.

My summer memories are not distinct or separate. I remember the taste of apple juice – not just any apple juice, mind, but the apple juice that I drank the day I finally climbed one very hard path at the rock gym. In the same thought I also remember when I was on the phone with Kari (who was in Hawaii) and she screamed because a bird flew into her face – and I remember them both, even though those two events were two or three summers apart.

Summer is also my solace when it gets cold. Come winter’s bitter winds or fall’s bleak grey clouds, I can turn my mind to my summer, and its warm glow can help me get through the cold months. Yes, I enjoy snow and I will go out and play in it and have giant snowballs dumped in my face by my uncle, but I could not live in this – cold is not something I have ever enjoyed.

This summer is not just summer; it is not only three months of sun and lack of school which makes it good enough for most. It is my Summer; it is my childhood memories all softened into one whirlwind of laughter and late nights. It is my Summer of intangibles, and dreams – it is my Summer.

It's mostly the second-to-last paragraph that bothers me, but...meh. Any suggestions?

I know the tabbing is nonexistent and such but that's because it doesn't transfer over very well from being double-spaced in Word

[.:Requiem:.]

Oooh...me likey. The third paragraph does need a bit of help, I agree. I'll definitely tell you if I think of anyhting for it XD

[Matt]

Summer
I have always perhaps I'd get rid of perhaps. It doesn't add anything, and makes the sentence a bit clunky. had a fascination with summer. Something about its atmosphere draws my memories into it, lodges them there like no other season can. True, I have memories of fall and winter and spring. These other three seasons are just that, though – the other seasons. They are somewhat important to me; fall’s fading warmth and winter’s cold chill and spring’s soft new green. They do not always hold good memories, though, and winter especially comes with cold, so they are not my friends The last clause of this sentence seems a little out of place. I'd perhaps detach it from this sentence and merge it with the next. "They are not my friends like Summer is.. Summer, on the other hand, has always been my ally.

My summer memories are not distinct or separate. I remember the taste of apple juice – not just any apple juice, mind, but the apple juice that I drank the day I finally climbed one very hard path at the rock gym. In the same thought I also remember when I was on the phone with Kari (who was in Hawaii) You might want to explain who Kari is. "Kari, a friend who was on holiday in Hawaii." and she screamed because a bird flew into her face – and I remember them both, even though those two events were two or three summers apart.

Summer is also my solace when it gets cold. Come winter’s bitter winds or fall’s bleak grey clouds, I can turn my mind to my summer, and its warm glow can help me get through the cold I'd change the world cold, you've used it already and seems a bit repetitive. "the dark". Also conflicts with the choice of "warm glow". months. Yes, I enjoy snow and I will go out and play in it and have giant snowballs dumped in my face by my uncle, but I could not live in this – cold is not something I have ever enjoyed. You have too many of these sentences that begin "I do ... this in Winter, but ... . Vary sentence structure.

This summer is not just summer; Add "to me" to show the fact that it is like that for you, and to distinguish that to you it is more. it is not only three months of sun and Include word "the" lack of school which makes it good enough for most. It is my Summer; it is my childhood memories all softened into one whirlwind of laughter and late nights. It is my Summer of intangibles, and dreams – it is my Summer. I like the repititions of "it is my Summer", but I feel you have done it too many times. I'd remove one.

I like it, but I feel that at times your writing style has become a little casual, as though a friend is talking to another one talking about this. You are you using a lot of speaking tecniques, using more casual language True, I have memories of fall and winter and spring. and repeating things in threes to emphasise them. Sure, you can use it in prose, but it's a tecnique used a little more in poetry and speeches, it often appears a little out of place in stories.

Other than that, I'd give it another look over for minor errors, e.g. apostrophes in the right place, but I really like it. If you're going to expand it into a whole story, I'd love to read it!

[Xandra]

You don't really have any grammar/spelling/punctuation mistakes, but in a few parts of this, the words don't really, well, flow together. Seems silly, but it usually sounds better if things flow. =D

Summer
I have always, perhaps, had a fascination with summer. After reading this essay/narrative, it seems like you love summer, intead of being fascinated with it. =P Something about its atmosphere draws my memories into it, lodges them there like no other season can. True, I have memories of fall and winter and spring. These I would use 'the' instead of 'these'- it sounds better. other three seasons are just that, though – the other seasons. They are somewhat important to me Add in a 'though', 'however' or something similar - doing so will make this part of the sentence sound less awkward; fall’s fading warmth and Tsk, tsk. Two 'and's in a sentence? Use a comma in place of the first 'and'. winter’s cold chill and spring’s soft new green. They do not always hold good memories, though, and winter I would insert a comma before and after the 'especially', to make the words flow more. This isn't grammatically required, however, just my personal preference.especially comes with cold, so they are not my friends. Summer, on the other hand, has always been my ally.

My summer memories are Replace the 'not' with 'neither' and 'or' with 'nor' to make it sound/flow better.not distinct or separate. I remember the taste of apple juice – not just any apple juice, mind, but the apple juice that I drank the day I finally climbed one very hard path at the rock Expand on/explain this more/better - do you mean rock climbing? It can be confusing when one doesn't know what you mean. gym. In the same thought I also remember when I was on the phone with Kari (who was in Hawaii Expand on this- was she in Hawaii at the time, or does she live there? And who's Kari?) and she screamed because a bird flew into her face – and Omit the 'and'. I remember them both, even though those two events were two or three summers apart.

Summer is also my solace when it gets cold. Come winter’s bitter winds or fall’s bleak Insert a comma here (after 'bleak'). grey clouds, I can turn my mind to my summer, and its warm glow can help me get through the cold months. Yes, I enjoy snow and I will go out and play in it and have giant snowballs dumped in my face by my uncle, but I could not live in this – cold is not something I have ever enjoyed. There are too many 'and's in this sentence ('Yes, I enjoy snow...') - exchange the first for a '-' and the second for a comma. =)

This summer is not just summer Insert 'to me', or something similar, to elaborate on why it's not just summer.; it is not only I'd use 'just' instead of 'only'. However, this, again, is just my personal preference. three months of sun and Insert 'the' here to better connect the words. lack of school which makes it good enough for most. It is my Summer; it is my childhood memories all softened into one whirlwind of laughter and late nights. It is my Summer of intangibles, and dreams – it is my Summer.

It may sound like I hate it, with all of the red text I put in, but I'm very picky. Trust me on this - I'd ruthlessly edit any Harry Potter book until I found the wording exactly to my liking. In ways, I'm more of a 'Word Flow Fairy' than a Grammar Fairy. =P

Anyhow. I really do like the piece - overall, you did a terrific job. =)

[Eidolon]

Thanks very much I understand editing, I usually have my father proofread my papers so I'm quite used to it. I've already turned it in, but it's our first essay of the year, so it's been awhile since I've sat down and really tried to write.

And someone made a comment on the fact that I used 'cold' a lot - yes, I did and it bugged me >_< I could not for the life of me figure out a word that worked better, though. The suggestion of 'dark months' works nicely.

And trust me, all the red text is much better than some of the things these debate judges write on your ballots. *mutters* I went to a debate tournament with some classmates this weekend....my partner and I won two out of three debates, but for Impromptu (you get three topics that are often quotes, pick one, no prep time and you have to talk for five minutes) the judges really didn't like me. I think I won't do Impromptu again...it's sort of fun, but I don't like it.

Anyway, the point of that rambling was to say thank you for your help and you're quite nice about it, unlike Impromptu judges.