Dung in a Neopian World by diva_brat

Kym Huynh —  March 24, 2018 — Leave a comment

You do have a point! There really IS a lot of asparagus floating around the place! Well, not literately floating, no wait, Faerie Asparagus… yeah… and apparently, I’m also a fan of Asparachucks! Anyways, I’ve also noticed that there’s a good deal of dung related items. Maybe your next article should be about dung, why it seems so popular (after all, there’s an avatar for dung! And furniture! (speaking of which, where’d you get the idea of Asparafurniture?) and where it fits into society… think about it. – gameboy42690

Well gameboy42690, I did think about it! And that’s why this whole column is dedicated solely to (drum roll here) DUN DUN DUNG! (make that whole mystery movie dun dun DUN noise there.) Except for the small part about Asparagus! In reply to how I got the idea for Asparafurniture, well I have a good imagination! Actually all it took was the fact that there’s dung furniture, cloud furniture, all kinds of strange furniture, so why shouldn’t there be Asparafurniture? I wish someone high up on TNT would read this and create some! I think that would be awesome! And I’m sure a ton of you fellow Neopians out there agree w/me on this! Also recently I’ve seen references to something called Aspararose, it’s been around some of the misc. boards and chats, so my question to my, likely small public, is have you ever seen this item? Does it really exist? I’ve searched Neopets for it, but if it does exist it’s not showing up! Fill me in on this!

So now that the Asparagus questions are all cleared up, I hope, lets move on to the DUN DUN DUNG! I love doing that! It’s so kewl! Anyways on with the article, which in a way is a very touch subject! Just think about it. Now just why exactly is dung important to Neopians? Is it even truly special to us? Or is there a corrupt Neopian staff member that’s there in their nice little cubicle feeding, erm giving, us these dung related items trying to brainwash us? If there is it’s working! Many people in Neopia have dung galleries, and houses, and collections, not to mention have fed their pets dung food. And I think that’s where I shall start, with the food, I hope it doesn’t gross you out to the point that you quit reading the article… But I remind you I didn’t invent these items!

So to start the food collection I think I shall go with the Dung Slushie. It’s considered a gourmet slushie. Yeah right! Sure the description reads “Its actually quite tasty when you get the flies off it.”, but I’m sorry I don’t think I wish to eat something that’s had flies on it. Not to mention who knows what actually you’re eating, sure it’s dung, but what went into the dung….. Blech. I’m making myself queasy. So moving on to the next item, Dung Jelly. I’m sorry but what exactly are these jellies? In America, where I’m from, jelly is something put upon toast and typically made from fruit. So I’m going to assume that by jelly TNT actually means something like gelatin. So Dung Jelly. Yeah description, “Yuck… this is going a little too far!”, and the slushie wasn’t??????? C’mon, this is just positively gross! And how come it’s see-through? Last I knew dung was somewhat a solid type thing, so are these jellies just artificially flavored? If so that would mean someone developed an artificial flavor for dung, would you love to have been a taste-tester for that one? And the Tyrannian Dung Cheese, how do you make cheese out of dung? You know what, I don’t even want to know, forget I asked. Chewing Dung…. please don’t make me go there… I just can’t. And Dung Pizza, that just ruins the good name of Pizza….

So before I get to sick to carry on with this article I’m going to move from the food to the furniture. What’s to say about it? I counted 15 items of furniture made out of dung in Neopia and I’ll touch on a couple of them. The Dung Bath Tub, isn’t the purpose of getting in a bath tub to get clean? I simply can’t see this happening in this tub. Description, “When you pour water into this dung bath tub its sure to turn brown!”, eww. The illustrious Dung Bed, just what I want to sleep in, “A bed, pillows and cover have been fashioned out of an enormous pile of dung.” I think my dog’s bed is cleaner, in fact I’m sure of it. Question, just how do you wash the bedding of the Dung Bed? Or do you? I mean if you have a bed made out of dung then I guess you obviously want it all gross and nasty. Which brings up another question, what kind of demented pet would want a Neohouse made out of dung? Do they like the smell? I mean that much dung in a house would just be disgusting!

Now the battle dome items, they aren’t really anything special so I’m not going to be too thorough with them, you have a shield, woopie! There’s the Dung Catapult, now that’s kinda kewl, have you ever seen those bumper stickers that have a monkey on them and say “I fling Poo”? If you use a Dung Catapult you could seriously use that bumper sticker! Then there’s the Battle Dung, a whole bag of dung. “Scoop it up and throw it at your opponent. You may want to wash your hands after each battle!” Yeah I would hope that you would wash your hands… Or better yet just not use it! Blech. And lastly there’s the Dung Snowflake, I wanna know just what the heck is out there that creates dung snowflakes that would fall from the sky. TOTALLY GROSS! Truly, I don’t want to know.

Well that about sums up the item list for dung. Except for the great, Pile of Dung. It is what it says it is. Just a pile of dung. And you can’t even do anything with it, it just sits there, the least we could do is use it in our gardens… But nooooo…. Anyways so why is Neopia so caught up in the dung? It’s not because it smells good, tastes good, looks good, feels good, so why do we like it so much? I’ll tell you why, it’s that TNT member sitting there in their cubicle dreaming up ways to brainwash us, they’re probably just loving it that we are so taken in by dung, they just can’t get over it! They’re probably the same people that created the Pile of Sludge… Hey gameboy42690 did you say they have an avatar for dung? KEWL! I’m so there, gotta go! An avatar awaits!

P.S. Keep on sending in ideas for columns people! And be sure to include your username in the email so you can be given credit! And send asparagus!

Wow, just when you think your article is done something new pops up! I finished up the last of this article, go to Neopets to check the news and what do I see before my eyes, but a dung paintbrush for your petpets. Poor little things! They have to be dung all the time! And your pets have to put up with them! Is this wrong or what? I saw we storm the evil dung creators’ cubicles!!! Hey! Kewl! I just found a dung paintbrush on the ground! I gotta go use this! Later! – diva_brat

Kym Huynh

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