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Oh, bar soap. Bleh. That's just out of the question. Plus there's always... the hair. How these people manage to get hair up there when they're just washing their hands is a medical marvel. Its like they step inside a guy's washroom and BAM, its molting season. I'm just talking about little hand dispensers. Then you've got to deal with the whole motion sensor sinks. You start waving at em like you're trying to catch a cab which turns into a vicious flail that looks like you're right hand has gone into violent seizures. Finally you give up on the motion part and you start hitting it. You do it lightly at first because if you do it lightly, there's less of a chance of the germs to jump on you. This is guy logic. Touch it less and it doesn't count. Same solid scientific foundation as the 10 second rule, only on the ground for 10 seconds, everything is good. But swatting the faucet doesn't work so you need to really wail on it to get any water to come out, but of course this meant further object touching which means more dirty guy washroom germs. Finally the water comes on, but it goes off by the time you get your hand under it. Now its like you're playing some crappy peek-a-boo game with the faucet but you aren't winning. Its like playing catch with a really dumb dog who understands the chasing the ball part, but not the returning to complete the cycle or playing tag with that really annoying social misfit in grade two who, even though all the other kids tried to convince him otherwise, thought it would be a great idea to glue macaronit to his hair and thought that the aim of tag was to become it and would try to be caught, thoroughly ruining the entire experice for everyone. And if you do manage to get your hand in, chances are the water pressure is wonky and its dribbling down the back side of the sink or it ricochets off your hand and onto your shirt, just because that's the way these things like to play. Finally you compromise and you nail the faucet with one hand and wash the other, then switch it up but now one hand is dirty. One hand is always working the faucet abuse side of things while the other tires to be washed. Its a tag-team thing, kinda like good cop- bad cop, only the bad cop is covered with disgusting man-germs. If there were paper towels, you'd use those, but instead of those horrible wasteful things they put those blow dryer, mini-turbines on the wall the use so much energy the lights actually dim and the toilets are only flushing at half strength when they're in use. You figure you can function without your left hand for the rest of the day. No big deal. Heck, Gerald Ford managed without the left side of his entire brain for his entire presidency and no big pain came out of that. But you absolutely refuse to touch the door handle because you know that for every guy prudent enough to put the effort in to even try to wash their hands, there were at least 36 guys, that's 4 seperate baseball teams(no subs), who didn't. So you try to open it with your foot. If they actually thought about these things, they'd make the hinges so that you could kick it open, but NO! They can put man on the moon, they can clone a sheep, they can put meat in a can that never goes bad, but they can't make A FRIKKIN BATHROOM DOOR THAT OPENS THE RIGHT WAY!!! So you have 3 choices. 1) You wait. Someone's got to come in eventually right? Just wait it out and it all works out. Its the Prince Charles method, only instead of waiting for your mom to kick the bucket, you just want someone to open the door to a public washroom. But here's where the quirky nature of our universe comes to bite you in the big fat heiny. As long as you stand there waiting, no one's gonna come. And even if they do, what do you say? You're just hanging out? Chillaxing in the hizzie with your urinal cakeizzles? Nothing brings your manhood down a few notches like just spending time in the guys bathroom. Besides, that's too much waiting. You are a man of ACTION! You are a man of pride. You're not going to wait for freedom to come to you. Its like Iraq only with far less with the jihad and other general unpleasantry. Also, not even the British are your allies on this bad boy. The next option is the "tuck your hand in your sleeve and pull the door open" but now you've contaminated a perfectly fine piece of clothing. You're walking around the mall with a biological hazard touching your forearm. Also, if its a t-shirt you need to really do some maneuvring and when a guy walks in to see you re-arranging your clothes and looking like you're trying to fit your elbow through your arm hole, not even the urinal cakeizzle comment will save you. Plus you need to go home and burn the shirt and that can only end in tears. So, of course, you perform the only logical choice. Bend in an unhelathy way and fit your shoe through the door handle, pull it towards youm get your foot unstuck and run out the door before it closes all without actually touching the hazardous surface. Of course this is impossible. There is not human way to perform this. Russian gymnasts have studied years to perfect this, qitho or without a perfect dismount. It was part of Stalin's budget for a while. It was right there in the Five Year Plan. World Domination and spread of communism through effective bathroom door techniques. And it doesn't work. It never works. EVER. But here's the kicker. WE KNOW THAT. But we try it any way. Its in our blood and our genetic makeup. We have natural impusles to hunt, mate, and open bathroom doors with appendages that just won't do the trick. But even if it is impossible, it has a curious effect. Every man that has ever tried it knows it is impossible. We're not stupid, baby. We may be neurotic and paranoid, but we sure as h-e-double hockey sticks ain't stupid. The thing is, somewhere just before the part where you open it, someone else opens the door and you stumble, look awkward and run out. And the other guy understands because he's been in that EXACT SAME POSITION. Its a guy thing. Burping, beer drinking, football watching and stumbling out of a men's bathroom because you almost had your foot stuck in the door handle. It happens. And you walk out as casually as possible because apparently its weird to get uptight about things like guys washrooms... who knew?
MAN! I HATE THOSE GOSH DARNED WASHROOMS!!!!!!
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Odd, odd, odd...
Yes, Yukio...why do you accidentally waltz into girl's bathrooms?
See all the pretty presents? They can be yours if you vote for me. Yet, none of you know me. T_T How sad. There's no way to get the pretty presents then. 
