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 Post subject: Check out my NT story and my grammar! (Horror, horror!)
PostPosted: Tue Nov 29, 2005 10:13 am 
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Can check my grammar, please? (Is my grammar that bad? I got a B for English) Here's my story

Title: Beauty Contest- Every Sibling's Worst Nightmare


Thursday, at 4.15 AM NST, the household of ira_7700 was buzzing with excitement at the thought of its Beauty Contest entry that week. The new contest of the week started at 4.15 PM NST (Friday), but this household just couldn't wait for it to begin. All over the house, debris from the production of posters, buttons and flyers were scattered all over the place.

Looking out the window, I spotted another house a few blocks down the street also with their light bulbs working overtime. I hoped it wasn't another contestant that was of a Uni species. After all, my sister, also a Uni, was entering this week’s Beauty Contest and I really hoped that she would win.

“Kitsella! Get back here and help me finish with this picture of your sister!” ira_7700 screamed at me. She certainly looked stressed. She always does when any one of us is in the contest. I still remember how she looked like when I was in the contest.

Well, she never slept for two days. And even though she bathes at least twice per day (I think), her hair was tangled up in a big mess. She wore the same clothes for at least two days straight and the kitchen was very messy. But the good thing was that we got to eat fast food everyday!

A few hours later, everything was ready and finally we got to sleep!! However, not before she set all the alarm in the house to ring at 2.00 PM NST. Gosh, I was never so glad to see my bed. Now I knew how others felt like when it was my turn to enter the contest. After all, during that week, I was so excited, that I hardly slept.

Ring!! I woke up with a heavy head. With all the different tunes coming out from the alarm clocks in the house, it felt like I was in a never-ending carnival of annoyingness (if there’s such a word).

I dragged myself and got ready for the day of advertising. We’ve been briefed the night before on what was to be done and I was given the duty to advertise in Faerieland. That was one part of this week that was to my liking, as I love Faerieland and longed to be a Faerie one day.

After getting dressed (in jeans, a T-shirt with Illusen face on it, and my favourite sneakers, all bought during half-price day from Unis Clothing), I went to the kitchen for some snacks before I set off. There, ira_7700 was packing some snacks for our journey. She looked flustered, with a comb still stuck in her hair. She’s probably rushing so that she could get to the Neopian Marketplace early to get new supplies for the shop. (Yup, she’s still wearing yesterday’s clothes)

I got myself a can of NeoCola and my snack pack, and went to the garden at the back of the house to the ‘launching pad’. It doesn’t look as great as it sounds actually. It’s just a piece of clear area where we can take off (since all of us, except ira_7700, are flying pets), without sweeping dirt to other people’s face or to our neighbors’ houses.

As I landed on Faerieland, I went to the nearest Faerie food store to refresh myself (yes, I admit I love to eat). After which, I made my way to the Faerie Center to post up a few notices on my sister’s entry at the appropriate board. Next to the Faerie Center is the Library.

The library was a pink, fluffy-like building. It may looked fragile, but is very strong, and able to withstand the earthquake that rocked Neopia a few days ago. In the library, books were flying of the shelves at the wish of the librarian who then handed it over to the reader asking for it. The best part of the Library was that, at the 4th floor onwards, there were rooms that contain people discussing on specific topics. There was one room for each topic, ranging from Battledome discussions to the latest plot. Of course, there was a room for advertising for Beauty Contest.

What amazed me is the inside of the room. It doesn’t look like a room at all! It’s surrounding was like that of a garden, and seemed to stretch for miles with no boundary, or any sign to indicate that it was a room. There, I advertised for my sister’s entry, and also managed to get a few flyers from other owners advertising for their own pet. People vote for the pet(s) by writing the name(s) on a piece of paper and placing the paper in the boxes available in each part of Neopia.

A few hours later, I went to the area of residence of Faerieland. Here, I knocked on each and every door to advertise. Most of them were nice, but some were just plain mean! They threw the buttons at my face. But thankfully, I was agile enough to dodge it and ran away before anything worse happens. Luckily I was assigned to advertise in Faerieland and not somewhere else like the Haunted Woods (where Bluedragon_969 went to) or Krawk Island (covered by Cpt_Black_Dragon). I shivered to think of the responses that they might get, as it is being said that queer people live there.

Anyways, among the nicest people I met was a young adult (about 18 years of age, I think) and goes by the name Ben. He not only offer me some candy, but he also promised me that he would pin up my advertisement on his guild house and website. Others that I met include those who voted and praised the picture, and even those who declined POLITELY.

As the sun sets, I launched off from Faerieland for home. And so I went on everyday, with the same routine till the contest ends.

Finally, I got home. I felt so tired and wanted only to lie down and stretch my aching legs. I pushed the kitchen door open and the next thing I knew, I fell face first to the floor. Looking back, it was Bluegragon_969’s bulging tummy that tripped me over. He was lying on the kitchen floor looking half-dead. Cpt_Black_Dragon was in the living room staring blankly into the thin air. A few minutes later, ira_7700 and my sister came home, with her looking as chirpy as ever.

ira_7700 bought home take-outs as usual, with tonight being pizzas and leftover cake from the shop. Bluedragon_969 suddenly got up at the mention of pizzas and I saw green gooey slime dripping down from his already greasy hair. He told us later, as the food was being passed around, that he has asked the Brain Tree and the Esophagor to vote and this was the response that he got even though he had spent a lot of Neopoints doing their quest earlier. Well if you ask me, I’ll say he deserved it since my owner had repeatedly warned him to steer away from them, given their bad reputation. Cpt_Black_Dragon though, smell of Grog Light, but he doesn’t want to talk about it. Apparently, only Ira7700 had wonderful time advertising on Mystery Island.

The next day, I decided to hit the shops in Faerieland since the scenery at the Neohomes was getting boring. How did it go? Let’s just say that yesterday was better. Persuading them to allow me to paste a poster on their shop window is like making Illusen and Jhudora sit together on the same couch watching Better Than You. Umm, okay, making I exaggerated a bit. But the shopkeepers were impossible to deal with and keeping my temper in check at the same time.

First thing that they asked was how much am I willing to pay. Some named their prices to be as low as 100 NP, but there was one grumpy old Tonu shopkeeper with his beard almost touching the ground, asking for 100,000 NP. I left that shop giving him a disgusted look (and would have step on his beard if it had touched the ground!). The days after, I decided to pester Neohome again since its way easier getting their attention.

Finally, the contest was over and the results were being tabulated and will be posted on every notice board in Neopia. All those who entered the contest for the week will receive a letter immediately that tells them the position of their pets in the contest. The way the letters were delivered also amazes me. The letters somehow “flew” magically straight to the winners of the contest, no matter where he/she may be. And it’s waterproof too! (I got mine while I was in the shower!)

At around 4.20 pm NST, Ira7700 entered the living room with a huge grin on her face and hugged me (nearly crushing my bones in the process). ira_7700 looked very happy and my other two brothers looked glad.

Saturday. The day when the prizes were given out, at the Neopian Central Community Center, which is just a few blocks away from our house. However, ira_7700 insisted that wear our formal clothing.

And so, here we were at the center, in our beautiful clothing, looking over-dressed for the occasion. Bluedragon_969 got some slack though, as his clothes don’t fit anymore since he transformed from a Green Krawk to a Darigan Krawk. He was wearing formal pants, with a shirt that says ‘Darigan RULES!!!’

The moment finally arrived. My sister walked nervously to the center of the stage to receive her prize from the Groovy Eyrie. As she shook his hand to receive the trophy (and the cheque), his assistant slipped a sash over her head. She beamed proudly to the thunderous applause from the crowd and took her bow.

When we finally got her back, we went for a photo shoot to capture the moment. Me, her and ira_7700 grinning in the middle, Cpt_Black_Dragon poising with the pirate pose that he’s been practicing and Bluedragon_969 sulking in the corner! Another chapter of our Beauty Contest adventure had come to a close. Next week, Bluedragon_969’s turn! (Yes, he wants to win the trophy too!)

If you steal it, everyone's going to know...

:peace:


Last edited by ira_7700 on Thu Dec 01, 2005 9:13 am, edited 2 times in total.

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PostPosted: Tue Nov 29, 2005 1:11 pm 
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Not enough time to read it but here is my review of one paragraph:

Quote:
ira_7700 bought home take-outs as usual, with tonight being pizzas and leftover cake from the shop. Bluedragon_969 suddenly got up at the mention of pizzas and I saw green gooey slime dripping down from his already greasy hair. He told us later, as the food was being passed around, that he has asked the Brain Tree and the Esophagor to votes and this was the response that he got even though he had spent a lot of Neopoints doing their quest. Well if you ask me, I’ll say he deserved it since my owner had repeatedly warned him to steer away from them, given their bad reputation. Cpt_Black_Dragon, on the other hand, smell of Grog Light, but he doesn’t want to talk about it. Apparently, only Ira7700 had wonderful time advertising on Mystery Island.


Underline- If that verb is an infinitive 'to votes' than it shouldn't be plural.
Bold- I'm not sure of the idea of this sentence
Italics - 'On the other hand' and 'Grog Light' don't mix!

Overall, imagery is good here. If there was more Neopian jargon and words then it could be more interesting, otherwise an above standard to other Neopian times articles.


Save the trees! Don't do homework!


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PostPosted: Tue Nov 29, 2005 1:23 pm 
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You've got something funny going on with the tenses here. I can't go over it totally since it's past midnight here and I'm tired, but I thought I'd point that out.

Half your sentences are written in the past tense ("I woke up with a heavy head." ; "I spotted another house" ; "As I landed on Faerieland"), while the other half are in present tense ("She’s probably rushing so" ; "I am agile enough to dodge it"). It's most confusing when these two are combined in one sentence - eg, "A few hours later, everything is ready and finally we got to sleep!!"

Those are just a few parts I picked out to demonstrate what I mean. You might want to work out what tense you want to write in, then go over and change it all to reflect that.


Gone, forever.


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PostPosted: Tue Nov 29, 2005 11:28 pm 
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"making the house looked like it was hit by a tornado. "
Another past tense mistake


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PostPosted: Wed Nov 30, 2005 11:02 am 
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myname7772 wrote:
Not enough time to read it but here is my review of one paragraph:

Quote:
ira_7700 bought home take-outs as usual, with tonight being pizzas and leftover cake from the shop. Bluedragon_969 suddenly got up at the mention of pizzas and I saw green gooey slime dripping down from his already greasy hair. He told us later, as the food was being passed around, that he has asked the Brain Tree and the Esophagor to votes and this was the response that he got even though he had spent a lot of Neopoints doing their quest. Well if you ask me, I’ll say he deserved it since my owner had repeatedly warned him to steer away from them, given their bad reputation. Cpt_Black_Dragon, on the other hand, smell of Grog Light, but he doesn’t want to talk about it. Apparently, only Ira7700 had wonderful time advertising on Mystery Island.

Underline- If that verb is an infinitive 'to votes' than it shouldn't be plural.
Bold- I'm not sure of the idea of this sentence
Italics - 'On the other hand' and 'Grog Light' don't mix!


Alex wrote:
You've got something funny going on with the tenses here. I can't go over it totally since it's past midnight here and I'm tired, but I thought I'd point that out.

Half your sentences are written in the past tense ("I woke up with a heavy head." ; "I spotted another house" ; "As I landed on Faerieland"), while the other half are in present tense ("She’s probably rushing so" ; "I am agile enough to dodge it"). It's most confusing when these two are combined in one sentence - eg, "A few hours later, everything is ready and finally we got to sleep!!"

Those are just a few parts I picked out to demonstrate what I mean. You might want to work out what tense you want to write in, then go over and change it all to reflect that.


HydraLisk wrote:
"making the house looked like it was hit by a tornado. "
Another past tense mistake


Thank you for reading my story. Really appreciate it! Edited the story to my best capability. If there's any other mistake, feel free to let me know. Thank you!! :D


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PostPosted: Wed Nov 30, 2005 2:16 pm 
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ira_7700 wrote:
Title: Beauty Contest- Every Sibling's Worst Nightmare[/b]

Thursday, at 4.15 AM NST, the household of ira_7700 was buzzing with excitement at the thought of its Beauty Contest entry that week. The new contest of the week started at 4.15 PM NST (Friday), but this household just couldn't wait for it to begin. All over the house, debris from the production of posters, buttons and flyers were scattered all over the place.

Looking out the window, I spotted another house a few blocks down the street also with their light bulbs working overtime. I hoped it wasn't another contestant that was of a Uni species. After all, my sister, also a Uni, was entering that week’s Beauty Contest and I really hoped that she would win.


There's the first two paragraphs that I edited (eh, also not enough time.) I made it all past tense, though, and I don't know whether you want it in present tense ... o_o;


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PostPosted: Thu Dec 01, 2005 9:17 am 
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Quote:
There's the first two paragraphs that I edited (eh, also not enough time.) I made it all past tense, though, and I don't know whether you want it in present tense ... o_o;


Yup, I wanted in past tense. Thank you for helping!


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