|
Disney’s Hunchback of Notre Dame as Slaughtered by Tharkun
Baker: Belle said that there must be more than provincial life… and Paris is more! Money, that is.
Weaver: Generic blue disguise cloth, five GP a yard!
SI: It has been called to my attention that you sell by the yard, not the meter. Take him away, boys!
Clopin: Hey kids, have you ever wondered who rings the bells? Or why people call me a psychopathic murderer? Or why the streets were ravaged by molten lead about this time last year? Well, I’m going to tell you!
Gypsy Mother: My child is blonde in a family of stereotypical gypsies. Now that’s deformed.
Frollo: In the magical land of Disney, only villains’ horses look cool.
Gypsy Mother: *dies in a manner that makes the you’ll-fall-and-break-your-head crowd cheer*
Frollo: Maybe I want to make a clean job of it… maybe I just like killing by now. Probably the latter.
Archdeacon: Do you want to SEE HEAVEN??? Read this pamphlet to find out more about ALMIGHTY GOD and SAVE YOUR SOUL!!!!
Frollo: Hm, let’s see. Don’t kill unholy demons in front of a bunch of voyeuristic statues? What?! Raise it?! Oh well, better not take a risk in front of this fundie freak…
Quasimodo: I would kick everyone’s butt in the Special Olympics if I wasn’t disqualified for imitating Cinderella.
Gargoyles: Enter the blatantly purposeless comic relief!
Frollo: Time for your daily dose of poor self-esteem!
Quasimodo: Now for MY musical number! Watch me climb ornamental Gothicry that couldn’t possibly hold more than fifty pounds. Don’t worry, folks, there’ll be plenty of vandalism later. But you might want to worry for your sanity when this gets stuck in your head…
Phoebus: Why didn’t I think of stopping by AAA first?
Ragamuffin: Am I good or evil? You decide.
Guards: We have non-shiny armor. So we’re evil.
Esmeralda: I should have tried this gig in Santa Fe instead.
Phoebus: How’s that half-ton of horse on your non-shiny armor?
Goat: Hello, lamp-post. Whatcha knowing? Groovy, man.
Frollo: Feel the sadism from every pore!
Phoebus: What, were you a vulture in another life?
Frollo: No, I was a professional ant exterminator.
Phoebus: *shifty looks* I… see…
Phoebus: You know, I think I could get used to this bowdlerizing thing.
SI: Quasimodo, we have learned that you used the word ‘pound’…
Quasimodo: Whoops, gotta go!
Clopin: Ah, I’ve found my dance partner!
Quasimodo: ACK! I’ve found a women’s dressing room!
Esmeralda: Oh! I’ve found the most lifelike mask in Paris…
Performers: *are disturbing*
Esmeralda: *shoves boobs in Frollo’s face*
Phoebus: This is the closest I’ll get to my actual self. Praise the lord.
Frollo: Okay, Quasi, now you have no choice but to get involved.
Contestants: *look exactly alike with different-colored hair*
Esmeralda: *gropes Quasimodo’s eyes*
Crowd: Let’s be terrified! No, let’s worship the ugly guy! No, let’s throw
stuff at him and tie him down! No, let’s stand stock-still! No, let’s aid and abet gypsies! No, let’s shun the ugly guy!
Lemony Snicket: Bravo! Encore! ENCORE!
Quasimodo: Aw, dang, that sucked.
Esmeralda: Romantic overtones go best with verbal sparring.
Phoebus: Don’t forget the physical. *ALMOST-SMOOCHY*
Frollo: *slinky pounce* So, here you are. The secret headquarters of the
Catholic Church. *smirk* Might as well get some housework done, you’re going to be here a while…
Esmeralda: Hey, this is a movie about a cathedral. Not even Disney could take all the religion out.
Stupidest Gargoyle: Yay bestiality!
Welsh Nation: *sues for libel*
Defense: Hey, we’re talking about the French here. And you’d best let The Dark is Rising handle your publicity.
French Nation: *sues for offensive behavior*
Quasimodo: Here’s my apartment. It’s not much, but it’s worth a few flirts.
Esmeralda: Now, about getting me out of here…
Madcap Action Scene: *ensues*
Vandalism: *begins*
Esmeralda: As a token of my love, take the key to our utter doom.
Quasimodo: I shall now mope like a lovesick thirteen-year-old girl.
Frollo: I, on the other hand, shall say that 1 4/\/\ 73H 3\/1L with the most awesome music in the movie! That gypsy girl is going to damn me to Hell for lust. Well, actually, that wouldn’t be so bad if I get to be as tyrannical as possible. Mehehehe.
Phoebus: You’re even freakier without coffee.
Frollo: And more ruthless.
Phoebus: *is wicked cool and somehow is not killed bloodily by molten armor*
Frollo: Oh look, Phoebus took a little tumble off the bridge.
Gargoyles: Hey, Quasi, you’re shaped like a pastry! This means that you might just have a snowball's chance in Hell.
Phoebus: Argh, the blood is flowing freer with the influence of alcohol. Couldn't you just cauterize the wound?
Esmeralda: Well, I'm sure a kiss would make it allll better!
Gargoyles and Quasimodo: D'OH.
Frollo: DUN DUN DUUUUN.
Quasimodo: Too bad you don't get much practice lying, growing up in a church.
Frollo: Damn straight. Let me make my point quite vividly.
Quasimodo: Why, it's right here on the necklace! I must make haste to
Street 97!
Phoebus: Make that six of us.
Quasimodo: ???
Phoebus: You (that is, Harry), your Generic Blue Disguise that makes a pathetic attempt to keep you from danger (Hermione), your romantic conflict with me (Ron), my debonaire self (Ginny), undying love (Luna), and of course the invisible horse (Neville).
Quasimodo: All right, that's it, tell Tharkun to stop reaching for Harry Potter analogies.
Clopin: Welcome, welcome, one and all, to a night of extraordinarily fun executions! Hand puppets, Dia De Los Muertos costumes, and, of course, gags. And kids of Paris, this is why people call me a psychopathic murderer. Because I am.
Esmeralda: You've got a rubbish sense of humor.
Frollo: Yes, it's nothing like my sense of irony. BOOYAH!
Innocent People: *whimperwhinemoan*
Frollo: I suck at seduction.
Esmeralda: Definitely.
Quasimodo: Why could I not have been made of stone like thee?
Codgery Gargoyle: Ahem... you're made of adrenaline-infused sinew! Go get 'em, tiger!
Victor Hugo: *commits suicide in grave*
Quasimodo: *Tarzan yell*
Crowd: *finally makes up mind*
Stupidest Gargoyle: I'm not even going to pretend this is anything other than deus ex machina.
Cathedral: *suffers battering ram and MOLTEN LEAD OUT THE WATER SPIGOTS*
Innocent People: Hey...? What about us? Locked up in the middle of the lead-flooding square?!
Quasimodo: No! She's dead! I don't even have a vambrace handy!
Frollo: Bow to stabbity death!!!
Quasimodo: Oh yeah, punk?!
Frollo: Oh, yeah. And IIIIIIIIIII KILLLLED MUFASSSSSAAAAAA.
Quasimodo: RAAAARGGGGHHHH.
Water Spigot: *kamikazes*
Frollo: Oh look, I'm taking a little tumble off the cathedral.
Quasimodo: Unfortunately, bad guys CAN die that way.
Lead Clumps: *are cleaned up in record time*
Quasimodo: I suffer no ailments whatsoever from my unrequited love.
Clopin: Now, kids, what's the dividing line between good and evil? Just some food for thought.
Tharkun: This should have been titled "The Hunchback of Notre Dame as Slaughtered by Disney and Further Mutilated by Tharkun."
Fin
Do what you will; but I will hinder it if I may.
-- Eowyn of the Mark
|
Login
Register
FAQ
Search
