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I'm writing a history essay, and I'm having major problems with a thesis. I can write a level 4+ essay every time... If I can do the thesis.
I'm looking for a little help. Not with writing it, I'm not going to steal your work. I'm looking for the general form, and improvment on mine. Don't worry about answering the question.
We're not allowed to use the question in the answer, and we have to use four idea's. We're encouraged to use the word "because", but I can't seem to work it in. So, any help to make it any clearer? Or ways to reword it to make it more.. thesisish?

Ok, my question is: By winning the Second World War, what was the greatest challegene set up for Canadians between 1935 and 1967?

My current thesis: After the second world war, Canadians faced the aftermath of the war including unemployment, American influence, immigration and the cold war.


So, how is it?

I'm not sure about what you mean by not using the question in your answer. Do you mean you can't use the same terms in the question (like "challenge")?

As for the thesis you formulated, the question asked for the greatest challenge. Thus it would be good if you stated which challenge was the greatest out of the four issues you surfaced.

BTW, shouldn't this go in the homework help thread?

Mod's call I suppose, its not homework really, just something I need oppinions on so I don't have to redo it 4 or 5 times.
I meant, by the "dont use the question in the answer" I couldn't say "The greatest problem set up for Canadians was..."

Ahh, good essay topic.

The repetition of words in a Thesis tends to make it drag. The way you began the thesis is just the same thing twice. "After the second world war, Canadians faced the aftermath of the war, including..." You need to shorten this, and eliminate the restatements. For example: "After the second world war, Canadians suffered many hard hitting after effects: unemployment, American influence, immigration and the cold war"

Sometimes, especially when in a Thesis, I like to rephrase things. Though repetition tends to kill it, well worded Thesi, even if long, will grab the reader. Instead of "American Influence" you could refer to it as "the pressures of American culture" or "the vices of American culture" or "the immoral ideals of American culture imposed on Canada through media"

Essays are just like those magazines that claim that we're all gonna die every 15 minutes in two ways:

1) It's all in the wording

2) Just need some "proof"

(I could write a 100 essays on American Influences in Canada..they would be filled with not nice words though)

Thanks you guys, got a great thesis. Didn't need to get it back once, got level 4 the first time, combined what both you guys said.
Thanks:)