Love? A poem.
Sat Aug 27, 2005 9:15 pm
Trapped,
Within these four walls,
Water running down my face
Or are they tears?
Trapped by love,
Smothered by care,
Choking, suffocating, dying.
If I am so enclosed from the outside world
Why is my every thought, my every feeling, my every action
Paraded,
Like a gossip column
Written by my own protector?
There is one key.
He sets me free from my lonely prison cell
But not often,
And not for long.
I must go back until his return.
I am trapped by these four walls of love.
Unable to break free
As she would fall.
I am trapped.
And I fall.
Honest crit appreciated.
Within these four walls,
Water running down my face
Or are they tears?
Trapped by love,
Smothered by care,
Choking, suffocating, dying.
If I am so enclosed from the outside world
Why is my every thought, my every feeling, my every action
Paraded,
Like a gossip column
Written by my own protector?
There is one key.
He sets me free from my lonely prison cell
But not often,
And not for long.
I must go back until his return.
I am trapped by these four walls of love.
Unable to break free
As she would fall.
I am trapped.
And I fall.
Honest crit appreciated.
Sat Aug 27, 2005 9:21 pm
Wow. It all flows so smoothly, and I really like the non-rhyming thing in this form. It has an abstractness to it that I really like, without being so distorted that it's hard to understand. The sort of choppy (for lack of a better word) lines really remind me of my style when I first started writing, which I really love. You can tell that it's drawn from personal experience (either that or you're just REALLY good)
Sun Aug 28, 2005 7:15 am
I loved it. I did think the part,
"Paraded,
Like a gossip column,"
Was a bit odd. I understand how 'paraded' fits in, but I just thought the 'like a gossip column' part was un-needed. It was a nice addition, but it sorta stopped the flow of the poem for me.
Other than that, I loved it (And no, I'm not trying to be a poem expert, this is my honest opinion).
"Paraded,
Like a gossip column,"
Was a bit odd. I understand how 'paraded' fits in, but I just thought the 'like a gossip column' part was un-needed. It was a nice addition, but it sorta stopped the flow of the poem for me.
Other than that, I loved it (And no, I'm not trying to be a poem expert, this is my honest opinion).
Sun Aug 28, 2005 7:21 am
I must say it was wonderful. But yes the gossip part just I did not like it. 
Sun Aug 28, 2005 9:07 am
Wow thanks for all the nice comments! 
As for the gossip part, that is part of the situation I was in at the time of writing the poem. I don't want to go into too much detail... um, basically I was going through a really rough stage and whenever I confided in someone my deepest thoughts and feelings, they'd automatically tell the rest of my family so everyone knew things I'd rather not talk about. Meh, 'tis confusing.
As for the gossip part, that is part of the situation I was in at the time of writing the poem. I don't want to go into too much detail... um, basically I was going through a really rough stage and whenever I confided in someone my deepest thoughts and feelings, they'd automatically tell the rest of my family so everyone knew things I'd rather not talk about. Meh, 'tis confusing.
Wed Aug 31, 2005 4:44 pm
Wow, it's great =). It flows really well. I was going to suggest using more stanzas to separate stuff, but I don't think your poem really needs it. As Requiem says, it flows together really well.
One thing you MIGHT want to do is to put spaces in front of some lines. (That's what I do, I use indents of different lengths to make the shape of it look good). Again, your poem isn't really the type that needs it though.
Anyways, good, good poem. It's just that I can't really relate to it and all, I mean, I think love is a good thing. But anyways, your idea is portrayed well.
One thing you MIGHT want to do is to put spaces in front of some lines. (That's what I do, I use indents of different lengths to make the shape of it look good). Again, your poem isn't really the type that needs it though.
Anyways, good, good poem. It's just that I can't really relate to it and all, I mean, I think love is a good thing. But anyways, your idea is portrayed well.